my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
