Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
