when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
it glows. i had to have it.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
FUCK WHALES
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
