I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
