What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
