im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
