so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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