My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
