Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
