he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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