I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
