one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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