i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
