When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
