dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
