I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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