Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
