What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
