there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
