I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
