I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
