he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
