talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
