I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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