There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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