my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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