im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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