Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
