Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
