If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
