I haven't been this sober since birth.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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