True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
