A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Dicks are not precious.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
