Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
