Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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