Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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