How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
