if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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