Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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