he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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