my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
