just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
