I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
