Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
