I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
