Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
