i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
