So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
This is the prime rib incident all over again
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
The uberlube is also flammable
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
