I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Randomize
