I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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