The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
