Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Ladies don't puke and tell
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
