Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
