guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
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