whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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