She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
