Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
